Hazy

I still don’t know what I want.

No excuses. No conviction.

The things I used to hate,

Now fills my senses with joy.

The things I believed to be true,

Now seems hazy.

As I live backwards… All I can pray for is to finally set my heart to live forward.

Transition

My 30th…

I look back in awe and as I’ve been asking myself lately of who I really am… I am now slowly reaching the point of facing who I really want to be.

Crossing over… Transition… Changing… Constants in our humble human existence. One step at a time may not matter today, but in His grace… Maybe 30 more years after this banter, I’d look back again and a genuine knowing smile will form in my wrinkly lips. Satisfied.

Words

For the past few months, words failed me while emotions filled me. I live my day job with scripts of facts and data, but to fully express my current state is pointless. While my heart longs to scream words of frustration it contents itself in my wondering steps of diversion. Seeing hidden beauty, the forgotten natural grandeur right in front of the desensitized eyes…

I am not lonely, but I long for my solitude moments… when the real words of desperation and old memories haunts me. I cannot escape some pangs of bitterness and till now, I cannot run away from the poison I’ve already tasted and still crave…

Pieces of my heart, sometimes I try to recall how each one came to fall apart. Trying so hard to describe how each piece scarred and changed me. As I seek for the best change that I could possibly achieve… I’d try to break and unbreak more of my heart… to be more of You…

 

Inside Out

I thought I was done being hard on myself; being ironic and inconsistent.

I thought my heart was set on an amazing vision; my conviction seemed strong enough.

But deep inside… all I was waiting for is a way to let it all out. To correct myself. To face it all and bleed till it all runs dry.

I felt the breeze gently calming me; i made a charming smile that I sometimes use to deceive myself and others.. that everything is alright even though it isnt.

I am reminded NOT to despise correction, no matter how painful it is. Now the awful question remains unanswered…

Which correction will define who I am?

Balance

 

How do you do it? How do you get the best out of everything?

Balance seems easy when it is stable. But on uneven planes it is painful. Caution is more than just a yellow sign. Everyday, every footstep is armed with care. Yet the blind curves exist and you can only look back…

Was it really you walking on that path?

 

The Girl

She wondered why she had so much love to give and so much smile to share. She wanted to see what others saw in her. She was trying to define who she is, as a friend, daughter and colleague. She wasn’t sure if something evident has changed. It felt different around her and since she is stubborn, nothing can easily convince her that it is indeed a whole new world for her. She used her heart to see and feel the real things that she needs in her life. She was grateful for everything, even in the smallest things. Her loyalty is a great trait, but it sometimes leads to her weakness. She loved the picturesque sunset more than sunrise, but she is slowly trying to love them equally. She is still a mystery and an irony of her own. Today and for the many tomorrows she’ll face, her blessed life will continue to bloom. 

Not My Story

My Life Group leader asked me if I could share my baptism testimony. It seems such a simple request. But I asked her to give me time to think abou it.

I am a private person not because I am being indifferent. I just mind my own business and I make it a point to use my social media accounts responsibly. A friend thinks I am a ‘deep’ person. If the depth of sorrows before were involved, then yes, I guess I am. I am generally shallow and I laugh at the simpliest silliest things. If my words appear to be quite opinionated and matter-of-fact, it applies to those that I am passionate about. There are plenty of things that I am still clueless about, but the fire of my passion to learn is a definite priority in my life.

If my story appears to be deep, I forgot the main reason why it is even written in the first place. Everything that I am and who I will become is all crafted by God’s wisdom. Penned in His faithful will and creativity. I’ve struggled for quite sometime to write my own story. In vain I have discovered that I cannot do it alone.

After our fellowship night last Friday i realized why I must share my story. It ain’t mine. It is His story, written for me.

Seventh Heaven

 

I clearly remember their happy faces smiling back at me. Seventh Heaven 🙂 We grew up in a country miles away from theirs, but the Camden’s story is also a part of my family’s journey.

The Lord’s number or a number of completion, seven. In the story of creation and many other wonderful instances, He showed His divine grace through this symbol.

A week of revival is definitely overwhelming. I’m just a small seed in a vast forest of great minds. Blooming where you are planted ain’t easy, but do you suppose a wild flower like me can take this chance? My own seventh heaven is budding. I can feel it!

Sometimes

 

Sometimes… rhymes hides my fears… smiles mask my tears

But most of the time…

My heart is filled with simple joys… That I simply found in u

 

*an ode for u, written before i started missing u*